I can already hear people screaming, debating, disagreeing and my family frantically typing on their keyboard, "How dare I!!" I am very aware my outspoken attitude on addiction and recovery makes people uncomfortable. But I don't care. Uncomfortable get's people talking. Uncomfortable challenge's people on their beliefs.
It is 2016, never have we had more education and help available for addiction and recovery then we do now; however the problem is getting worse, not better. Perhaps our messaging needs to change or altered as we understand more now of what can cause addiction and we are missing the signs.
"The single factor that’s at the core of all addictions is trauma. By trauma I mean emotional loss in childhood, and in the case of severe addicts, you can see — and large-scale population studies show — that there is significant childhood trauma such as family violence, addiction in the family, sexual and emotional abuse, physical abuse, a parent being mentally ill or in jail. These adverse childhood experiences have been shown to exponentially increase the risk of addiction later on in life. That’s one set of difficult experiences." Dr. Gabor Mate, Renowned Speaker and Author In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts
I happen to agree. Not because I am an expert. A therapist. A physician. But because I lived this painful story.
I have known what the word alcoholic meant since I was 5 years old; alcoholism on many branches of my family tree. I started writing my own story, The Sun is Gone as a tribute to families lost in a world they did not understand, so they did not feel so alone. I did always understand my own family dynamic, but what I was not expecting, and what is very hard to live with, is that during this process everything I believed to be true about my brother’s addiction was not true at all.
I spent over eleven years actively involved and at the time we believed we were doing everything right; support, doctors, therapists and the best treatment centers money could buy. And when rehab didn't work he went again. And again. And again.
A story of the progression of alcoholism. I was as sure as anything in my life there was nothing more, nothing less. A fine, young man that innocently took that first sip of alcohol in high school, eventually the bottle taking him down a path of destruction few could fathom and I was along for the ride. A powerful love story between a brother and sister that could make a difference in someone else’s life. What was not clear at the time, or a factor at all was that our early childhood experiences played any part in my brother’s addiction. It was not what we were being told. What I believe now is that it meant everything.
I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it.
I understand the theory, that those addicted must take responsibility for themselves. That you can't make someone change and that we are not responsible for someone else's life. For the record, I wholeheartedly agree.
We are however given conflicting messages, I DIDN'T CAUSE IT. But what if you did?
This is not meant to be blame but rather some of the reasons why we are who we are. When our memories are diminished or denied, the pain continues; in fact that burden we carry of unresolved issues continue to eat at our soul, many times unconsciously. It keeps us stuck, struggling and we can't move on.
What a beautiful gift to your addicted loved one, or perhaps your child, to find the strength to acknowledge the pain you may have caused and allow them to heal.
We know now that childhood trauma can be a precursor to mental illnesses including anxiety, depression, addiction and suicide ideation. Maybe it is pushing the envelope way too far to say we actually caused it, but what we have done certainly can contribute.
That realization and knowledge should help with educating families, to watch for the signs and in the least be more aware of what they are allowing their children to witness in childhood. Then and only then can a family begin to heal, change and these patterns we create of chaos, dysfunction and addiction no longer continue generation after generation.
So if we expect those addicted to drugs or alcohol to take responsibility for themselves, their behaviors and their choices, isn't it about time that we hold ourselves to the same standard?
Jodee Prouse Advocate Addiction & Recovery
Author upcoming memoir
